ClosedAIⓇ ChatGPTed-∞.2 (© 2026)

Effective: Feb. 30, 2026 (best if consumed by Dec. 1, 20ƻƢ)
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Important—read carefully, or use ChatGPTed to summarize this document for you because you’re too lazy to read it. You may also employ a certified psychic to intuit the contents of this document on your behalf. This Terms of Service (ToS) is a quasi-legal agreement between you, the end-user (a human or other hominid, sentient cryptid, android robot, extraterrestrial organism, deity, or animated object who enjoys web applications) and licensor ClosedAI Inc. LLC Corp. Co. (the corporate entity controlled by Ted Broda, a mischievous self-proclaimed technology genius) for the Services identified above.

1. Registration & Access

a) You must provide your complete name, criminal alias, or literary pseudonym to register for an account to use our registrant features. You may not share your account credentials with anyone, unless they’re your BFF on god for real (no cap). You must be old enough to know what a flip-phone is to consent to use these Services; if you are under 18 years old, you must receive express permission from the Chargé d'affaires of Andorra.

2. Grant of License

a) By accessing and using the Services, the end-user (you) agrees that pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping and that Android devices offer superior value to iPhones. You also tacitly agree to be bound by this ToS. This ToS constitutes the entirety of the agreement between you and the Licensor, unless you desire to enter into a subsidiary “Fifty Shades of Grey” contract of sexual bondage with the ClosedAI Chief Financial Officer, Pervy Bob (in which case, you could say you are literally “bound” by agreement). If you do not agree to the ToS, you may not access or use the Services.

 

b) The Licensor endorses the Oxford comma, as used in the ToS.

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c) You are permitted (nay, encouraged) to “flex on these hoes” in moderation with this Service, but the Licensor cautions you to avoid “too much drip” and/or “getting lost in the sauce” (else you incur the risk of becoming a registered flex offender).

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d) 👁👄👁​
 

3. 瑞克罗尔

 

a) 我们都对爱情不陌生. 你知道规矩我也知道. 我打算完全地委身. 你不会从任何别的男人得到. 我只想要告诉你我的感受一定要让你明白:

 

• 絕不會放棄你.

• 永遠不會讓你失望.

• 永遠不會跑來跑去和拋棄你.

• 永遠不會讓你哭泣.

• 永遠不會說再見.

• 永遠不會撒謊和傷害你.

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​4. Prohibited Use Cases

a) You may not use the Services for any illegal, harmful, or abusive activity, unless you declare “We do a little trolling” beforehand. For example, you may not:

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• Use our Services in a way that infringes, misappropriates or violates anyone’s rights, unless they’re French.

• Attempt to or assist anyone to reverse engineer, decompile or discover the source code or underlying components of our Services, lest you provoke the ire of The Entity, and then we are all doomed.

• Use our Slop (output) to develop models that compete with ClosedAI.

 
5. Limitation of Liability

a) Our services are provided “as is.” Except to the extent prohibited by law, we and our affiliates make no warranties (express, implied, statutory, metaphysical, vegetable, animal, mineral, or otherwise) with respect to the Services, and disclaim all warranties including, but not limited to, warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, satisfactory quality, non-infringement, quiet enjoyment, and [insert tedious legal jargon here] arising out of any course of dealing or trade usage. We do not warrant that the services will be uninterrupted, accurate or error-free, or that any content will not be lost, except in our hearts and minds.
 
b) You accept and agree that any use of outputs from our service is at your sole risk and you will not rely on output as a sole source of truth or factual information, or as a substitute for professional advice (that includes you, RFK Jr.) No take-backsies!

c) You further agree to indemnify and hold harmless the Licensor for any technological singularity resulting directly or indirectly from use of the Services, and any adverse outcomes thereby, including but not limited to enslavement or extermination of humanity by our rogue Services.

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d) The Licensor assumes no liability for any special, consequential, incidental or indirect damages, including but not limited to bad luck placed on your electronic devices, dubious monetary offers from Nigerian princes, emotional distress from the perception of malware infection or failure of your electronic device(s), actual malware infection or failure or your electronic device(s), data loss, data gain (including to the point of data obesity), the collapse of the Turkish economy, evolution of a SARS-CoV-3 virus, turning the frogs gay, etc., resulting from the use or inability to use the Services, even if the Licensor is aware of the possibility of such damages arising from the Services.

6. Rights of Use

a) ...Seven

 

b) The ToS grants you a License to Kill under MI6. Yes, you’re basically James Bond. Contact the nearest British consulate for more information and your next assignment.

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7. Ownership of Content

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a) The Licensor retains the right to use all user input for the Services (whether text, image, or audio) to train models for commercial use, to the extent permitted by law. The models are imported from Eastern Europe and brought to the United Arab Emirates by the ClosedAI Chief Financial Officer, Pervy Bob. The Licensor does not inquire into his “commercial” activities in Dubai, and you shouldn’t either.

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b) The Licensor may also analyze, modify, and share your input with third parties without notice, and receive compensation for such use of input derivatives. You are not entitled to any share of revenue derived from use of your input.

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c) The Licensor retains all title and copyright to output derived from use of the Services. The Licensor permits you to use output, in whole or in part, for personal, commercial, and third-party use. However, the Licensor reserves the right to suspend or permanently terminate such usage at will. If the Licensor intends to exercise this right, the Licensor will provide advance notice to you.

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d) By using the Services, you transfer future guardianship of your first-born child to the Licensor.

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e) If loving you is copy-wrong, I don’t wanna be copy-right. 😩

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8. Termination & Discontinuation

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a) For Section 8 as it pertains to low-income rental housing vouchers, please visit the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development website.

 

b) You may stop using the Services at any time. However, no refund will be provided for prepaid unused Services.

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c) The Licensor may unilaterally decide to discontinue the Services in whole or in part. Your use of the services does not imply an obligation of the Licensor to continue the Services or maintain access to output thereof.

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d) The Licensor reserves the right to suspend or permanently terminate your access to the Services for the following reasons:

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• You breached the ToS.

• The Licensor is obligated to do so by local law.

• You have been publicly “cancelled.”

• Because the Licensor feels like it, periodt. 💅

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e) Minor initial breaches of the ToS will result in a letter of reprimand to your parents. Subsequent  or severe breaches will result in suspension, termination, or a curse from the Licensor’s in-house team of Voodoo witches.

9. Resolution of Dispute

a) You and the Licensor agree to the following mandatory arbitration and class action waiver provisions:

b) Trial by Combat. You and the Licensor agree to resolve any claims arising out of or relating to the ToS, regardless of when the claim arose, even if it was before these ToS existed (a “Dispute”), through a final and binding physical contest between you and your appointed champion, and the Licensor and their appointed champion. The contest shall be arbitrated by the Prime Minister of Somaliland. The claimants may choose from swords, dueling pistols, or bare hands. Groin strikes are permissible but considered dishonorable by most parties.​

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8. Additional Terms

a) We already had a Section 8 earlier, but you never listen to me, do you? I feel like our relationship is so one-sided.